Children Speak in Code - Learn How to Interpret
When a child declares they hate the violin (or practicing, or you for that matter) I caution you to interpret the meaning of such strong statements with great wisdom and care. Children experience all the same emotions as adults, and this includes frustration, shame and disappointment. Also, children speak in code because they do not yet have the maturity to word their feelings for the full explanation of their emotions to be articulated.
I knew a little girl who started playing the violin at the age of 4. She was full fire and like many violinists tended to be an intense child. She would frequently verbalize strong statements in the home practice sessions saying things such as:
This little girl had a wise mother who knew these statements were code with a meaning different from the words spoken. What this little girl really meant was:
"I hate playing the VIOLIN!!!" = "This is so challenging that it frustrates me and I hate feeling such intense frustration. The frustration is so intense that it overwhelms me with emotion and I lose myself. I feel defeated which also makes me feel bad. Since I am still a child and young I do not have the years of life experience to pull from to realize how my daily efforts will accumulate into a grander total. Without this maturity I feel like I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER get this in a million, ba-jillion years no matter how hard I TRY or WORK or WANT this!!! I feel like my efforts do not pay off which leaves me feeling inadequate and this feels terrible. I really just hate this terrible feeling of defeat and inadequacy inside of me and not playing the violin.
Please do not give up on me, I need your support and your years of wisdom to guide me through this challenge in a healthy way. I am counting on you to shine a light to a higher path for the challenge at hand. My strong reaction right now even illustrates my need for a healthy emotional expression in life and music is a perfect fit for me and this necessary release. Please do not quit before I do. Please look 20 years into the future and help me through this challenge. I am counting on you."
"I hate YOU!!!" = "I hate disappointing you and feeling like a failure in front of you. You are one of the people I love most in this world and I only want to make you proud. I hate the feeling inside when I am unable to perform at the high level I know is possible and expected of me and do not really hate you. I only want to do good in your eyes and I get so frustrated when this does not happen. I hate the feeling I have that perceives I am letting you down. "
"I hate PRACTICING!!!" = "I hate feeling left out and frankly it does not feel fair. I notice all the other kids at school as well as my siblings get to play and I have this duty to my instrument. It feels like work and I just want to play with my friends and siblings. I hate feeling isolated and cut-off from what appears to be other fun and exciting life experiences. It can make me feel sad sometimes. Also, I have not accumulated enough life experience to see what an incredible opportunity this education is yet but someday I will thank you for this support and the high vision you held for me. I do not mean to be this difficult or to challenge you but it is where I am at as a child."
This little girl with such a strong willed constitution presented great challenges to her mother while growing up but her mother continued to believe in the higher purpose of music education and was willing to weather the storm of these verbal outburts and occasions such as the little girl's violin becoming a projectile object (that is a nice way to say the violin was thrown across the room.)
There is more to this story and a happy ending. Somewhere around the age of 12 or 13 music became an incredibly compelling experience for this little girl and there was a shift with her relationship to practicing. She was starting to connect the dots now how practicing was a path to making her dreams come true. All of a sudden there were String Quartets to play in at summer institutes and sophisticated Concertos by J.S. Bach and A. Vivaldi. It was indeed exciting to be a musician and she finally took full ownership of home practicing so her mother no longer needed to come to lessons or help with home practice.
This girl became so focused and fulfilled with her music that she went onto major in violin performance in her undergraduate. She continued to fall in love with music and even pursued a graduate degree in violin performance with an emphasis in Suzuki Pedagogy. She has been teaching for 15 years now and is extremely grateful that her mother was so devoted to a higher vision when times got emotionally rough growing up.
Please interpret strong statements towards playing the violin and practicing with extreme caution. I know that little girl who used to shout out in home practice very well because that little girl was me. Thank you mom for believing in me at such a young age and for staying focused on the higher purpose of this work. I am so grateful for your endearing support all of these years.
Hi! It's me, Heather. I absolutely love working on the Music for Young Violinists project and all the many facets: blogging, website, music, teaching materials, freebies, videos, newsletter and giveaway contests. The best part is connecting with you so feel free to drop me a line. You can learn more about me on the "ABOUT" page. Thanks!